Sunday, May 8, 2022

I no longer need to live in the shadow of her fears. I never should have to begin with. But that’s what happens when you raise someone to be overly cautious because of your own anxieties.

As a female, don’t be alone after dark. Always look at the shadows to make sure no one is following you. Always check your backseat when you get in your car at night to make sure no one is going to attack you. Always carry your keys between your fingers in case you get attacked. If a man ever says trust me, run the other direction.

Also, don’t trust anything you don’t understand, such as don’t leave the country... and expect to get into legal trouble there if you do since you don’t understand the laws or the language.

My mom taught me to fear everything. She taught me to be extremely suspicious and overly cautious about everything in life. Never put your info out there, never leave the door unlocked, never make investments, never use credit cards, never do anything.

And you know where all of that has gotten me in life? NOWHERE.

If I had made investments like I wanted to when I was younger, I would have better credit and a nice cushiony savings account. If I had traveled out of the country when I was younger, when I had the opportunity, I could possibly be married to a doctor right now. If I had invested in bitcoin like I wanted to without her telling me I couldn’t or shouldn’t, I could potentially be a millionaire right now. If I had trusted the right people, and learned how to create and enforce boundaries, and explored the world a bit more, my life could be very different and probably much better. If I had the proper example to work for a living instead of mooch off of others, I would have a much better life for certain.

But instead, I was raised in anxiety, and fear, and paranoia. And at 41 years old, I am just now figuring out how to live as an adult. How to function as an adult. How to work, how to manage my money, and how to properly raise my children. How to treat a partner, and how to communicate properly to express how I want to be treated.

And still, the decisions that I make that she’s uncomfortable with, she still tries to poo poo everything. She expects me to fail. And I hate it.