I feel like I’m having an existential crisis, or a mid-life crisis, or something. Everything seems to be failing or not going the way I planned or wanted, and it’s got me second guessing all of my desires and intentions.


Last September, I inquired about an ad on Facebook to rent a boarding facility so I could start my own business. The rent payments were reasonable and entirely within my reach, and I know there is a huge need for more boarding options here in Newton, so it was a great opportunity. The building owners and I talked out a plan and I applied for my boarding/kennel license through the USDA. Upon inspection, I was immediately denied because the building was in a state of complete disrepair. Not having run a business before, and not knowing what she would be looking for, I went into that whole situation blind. I was shocked by all the issues, and the owners were shocked too, as they believed the building was in usable condition after having just purchased their property earlier that year. It sort of turned me off to the whole idea and I backed off for a while (I was also dealing with a herniated disc in my back, so I couldn’t do any work anyway).


In March I decided I didn’t wanna miss out, and we all sat down and had a long talk again, and repairs were started on the building. It was mostly up to the husband of the couple, since he could do a lot of the work himself, and he had friends that could help, as well. Meanwhile, I worked on the business side of things. I set up a website, social media, business listings, kennel software, business cards, a new phone line just for business, my business license and registration with the state and the IRS, kennel supplies, I researched and chose insurance, and even bought an outside sign and painted the lobby.


I had planned to be open by spring break. The person hired to do the work didn’t really know what they were doing, and most of it needed redone. So, the work didn’t get done in time.


I planned to be open by June. Weather and money issues prevented much progress. What work was started uncovered even deeper issues, and created a longer list of things needing done. So, the work didn’t get done in time.


I planned to be open by October. Progress was slow. More messes were made than progress. More debt accumulated. And then bigger issues (I refuse to talk about or publish) barred any further progress.


I acknowledge this has been rough on the owners too. I have become friends with the wife of the couple, and she is a kind, generous and amazing person. I know this has been a difficult journey for her as well as myself, and I do hope we can continue our friendship now that this business is not a possibility.


However, this is about MY experience. This dream I had given so much space in my thoughts, all the mental and financial dedication and work I put in, all for nothing. If I had a big stack of saved money or an excellent credit score, I would just buy land and have my own kennel facility built. I know for absolutely certain it would be highly successful here. But its just not within my reach.


So, that’s my BIG disappointment right now, and its just got me reeling. I don’t know my place in this world right now besides being a stay at home mom again, and the idea of owning my own business, and working with animals for many years to come, was really keeping me going.


And the smaller disappointments.... They seem so insignificant in comparison. But I think the business failure on top of the small things is all adding up in my head...


My dreadlocks are NOT working out. I know they could be because I’ve had success before, but I’m thinking the method or the loctician is just not the right thing for me. I feel like I don’t get exactly what I ask for, and then the products I use don’t do well in my hair type (even though I used recommended products), and then dreadlock extensions fall out and I get really frustrated. I have had to learn how to reattach them myself, which I don’t do well at. The loctician I’ve been using lives halfway across the country, so if I need help, I have to wait months.


I absolutely love having dreadlocks. They make me feel whole in a way no other hairstyle has, and I’ve done just about everything I can do with my hair over the years. However, with all these issues, and all the different attempts I’ve made over the years (even though most of them were wrong), I’m starting to believe I’m just not meant to have this style.


There are other things disappointing me right now too, like family trauma and being entirely blown off or disregarded/disrespected by more than a couple of people. But I’d rather not make all the details public. I’m going through a lot right now. A lot. With friends, family, pets, and my own personal thoughts and trials. I could name a dozen more things weighing on me right now. I can’t make a concrete decision to save my life right now either, because so much is up in the air or failing outright.


I need a vacation from this life. When do things get easier?