Monday, July 19, 2021

I love you. But I’ll never look at you the same.

From day one, my trust in you was absolute. The most I have ever trusted another human being in my adult life. I had not one shred of doubt that you were the one for me, and I the one for you. We felt so completely right together, on the deepest level I’ve ever known. Being in each others arms was like knowing the universe. Everything made sense.

When we had Felix and he became the center of our world, it created some distance between us, as we had to expand our bubble to include him. His troubles starting this incarnation of life threw a monkey wrench into our bliss. And over the course of a year or two we almost entirely forgot the bond we share. It felt broken, irreparable.

As I needed to focus more on helping our son, and you financially supporting our family, the distance between us grew so big that you broke your commitment to me, your wife and life partner. You pulled away from me, emotionally and physically. You neglected our bond as I pleaded for you not to... and then you shared your affections with another woman.

The deceit and selfishness you displayed during that time is something that rocked my world so hard that it has changed my perspective permanently. It’s been months since you acted in that way, but still every day I see it. You still don’t look at me with the adoration you used to project. You don’t touch me often, and when you do it seems more out of obligation than desire. You have no desire to cuddle up with me in front of the TV or in bed any longer. And you only kiss me when you’re leaving. I’ve told you many times I need more affection. I need to know I’m desired. I reach out for you and try, but it’s not reciprocated. The solitary life we both live now is never how I envisioned our marriage. Nor is it the relationship I desire. It has left me wondering when the next time is you will find a woman that catches your eye, and how much better you will be at correcting the mistakes that got you caught the first time. As it’s clear you don’t have eyes for me in that way any longer.

I’m convinced it’s not a matter of “if,” but of “when” you cheat again, because you said yourself you can’t promise it won’t be repeated. So, while I do love you, and remain fully faithful and committed to you, our marriage, and our family, there is a large amount of distrust, suspicion, and bitterness. While I hoped we would be able to move forward in a more loving and forgiving way, I can tell you with certainty, I cannot, as your actions are not that of a faithful man in love with his wife.

Every moment you neglect me, my needs, and our marriage, is a moment I believe you’re open and waiting for something or someone else to come your way. Just like you were before. Because if you weren’t open to it, it most certainly would not have happened.